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The Masseuse Who Pulled My Arm Out


I was away at a fancy spa and thought I’d indulge in a nice relaxing massage as a treat. The softly spoken therapist, who was called something ethereal and calming like Summer or Melody or Zinfandel Blush, told me she would be using an aromatherapy oil of lavender picked by organically trained squirrels and mermaid tears. The room was painted in calming shades of rice pudding, scented candles flickered around me and music, which sounded like whales fornicating, played in the background.

I was so preoccupied with getting onto the high massage table that I forgot to mention a vital piece of information – I have an invisible disability. Big mistake. I have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS), a debilitating condition which affects connective tissue like skin and tendons and, among other things, means I injure easily. It’s genetic. I got it from my mum. Worst birthday present ever. While some people with EDS have no complications, other than being super-flexible, I get chronic pain, frequent dislocations, and mobility issues. Mum, on the other hand, got straight into advanced yoga.